Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
